Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Livid.