Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.