Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
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Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!