Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best