Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.