Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
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INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dadâs job is literally being a chair
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
wwe: These are trained professionals please donât try this at home
Me and my siblings:
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Me, 20âs & 30âs: I canât remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40âs: I canât remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
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Him: Whatâs wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: IdkâŚa duck, a cardinal, a pterodactylâŚdoes it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matterâŚ
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Child: Mom! You canât go that way, itâs a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, thatâs just a suggestion.
When they say âwe are in an oversell situation and weâre offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plansâ I am absolutely the person who stands up and says âlegally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Donât take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLDâ.
WIFE: weâve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
chiropractor: so howâs your back been?
backstreet: alright
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.