Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Dudes named Chance never had one.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?