‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
You Might Also Like
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
This makes total sense…
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about