@FO_ASchatz: I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

@markleggett: "When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you're dead." - Neil deGrasse Tyson.

@karencheee: Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.

@SuperJuanderer: Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.

@Sickayduh: "Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms" -There's nothing I can do "There isn't?" -Not until you bring in your other two arms