My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
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I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.