Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
smartest karate player in the world
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*