If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.