Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.