Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
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Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?