Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”