Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s