[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100