@RobWeb79: Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven't tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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@UNTRESOR: Let's agree that if we're both not married in ten years we'll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
@Barknado69: [Sex Shop] Worker: can I help you? Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
@KentWGraham: I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”