Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.