Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH