WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
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My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.