@justinshanes: WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss's emails with "Heyyyy you!"
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@david8hughes: Therapist: what was it like growing up? Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
@KellyMeldrum: I'm not usually vengeful, but when I am it's because someone gave my kid a whistle.
@TheTweetOfGod: The entire history of the universe could be seen as a slow growth, expansion and coalescence of consciousness, were it not for Sarah Palin.
@TheTalkingPipe: Some people wouldn't understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.