Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
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I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?