{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
You Might Also Like
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE