My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
my name if I was in the mob
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.