@iGreenMonk: Working on my new book, "How to Get Through Life Without Reading."
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@Reverend_Scott: Superman: Only one cookie left. Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it? Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO! Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
@Home_Halfway: CHEF: You're fired ME: Is it cause I call beef patty's "beef patricias?" CHEF: Yes ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef- CHEF: GET OUT
@D2BMcG: Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles...