@iGreenMonk: Working on my new book, "How to Get Through Life Without Reading."
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already? ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it's a mystery I guess
@amishschool: "My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner" I explain to the other homeless people.
@CaptainJerkwad: Hate being a funeral director "why'd u take the job?" I inherited it from my dad "You could've just declined it" And lose my first customer?
@VN_Ruben: apparently, Twilight is "so popular" because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.