WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
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Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Some people were born into their job.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools