*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
OMG 🤣🤣
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
If only.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG