*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?