World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee