[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
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I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.