Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.