Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
You Might Also Like
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
ok like just. call me at this point
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I’d hang this in my house.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
c’mon!