[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
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My safe word is Worcestershire
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My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
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*looks at calendar*
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*looks at calendar*
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Really bruh?
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
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me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
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