What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
This guy gets it.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby