Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
You Might Also Like
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
A double negative is a big no-no.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
A game married people play.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.