Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
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Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.