My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
*Inspirational Tweets*
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.