#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
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me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.