Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.