When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
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I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.