“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
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Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.