Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
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But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.