Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
You Might Also Like
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
“We will wed,” I threatened
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
saw this in a dream
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.