I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
the only organized thing in my life is crime