Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
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Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!