GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
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*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.