Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.