Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too