Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Received some very disappointing news today
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
your honor my client chooses dare
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.