“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
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murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately