Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
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Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
for all #parents out there
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.