“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
#NeverForget
This is what makes twitter great
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.